: In service of what?
I have talked myself out of buying a new (refurbished) laptop like seven times in as many days. $600 seems like a lot of money that I could be saving for a rainy day or cozier retirement or house (hah!).
Similarly, when I have free time after work, I consistently use it to try to develop my brand (not the convexer brand—that’s an anti-brand—but networking and toiling in service of my realname brand which pays the bills) or learn some fancy new skill. Make no mistake, I love the work I do and I love learning new things. But there are two wolves within me, and the one with all the ambition drives me to overexertion sometimes. When I finally make it to 7pm, my brain is so depleted that I “need”(?) to do some stupid phone scrolling to decompress.
An endless loop of scrunching and unscrunching.
In the hypothetical retirement where I have $600 extra from not buying a laptop at the end of 2025, and perhaps a few more from being promoted for pressing good computer buttons, what would I be doing instead of the phone scrolling and self-flagellation?
I guess at the bottom of all the pressures that have scrunched me up so tight is a vision of cool vacations with ym SO, a dream crafts room, and a big, heavy library of the sort one regrets when moving homes. In the abstract, I do have interests. But I don’t really have much practice at enjoying them.
Planning vacations stresses me out. Picking restaurants stresses me out. Adding items to cart stresses me out. All I can think about is the money and time draining away.
New year’s resolution: recreation.