: “People skills” aren't (?) optional
My colleague slash friend and I were chatting about her attempts to find a new project in our company and all the difficult/discouraging/disinterested people she has run into while trying to network with different teams. A recurring theme she has noticed, she says, is that people often clock her as someone who has would bring “people skills” to whatever team she joins—the somewhat backhanded implication being that people skills are one of many skillsets you could have instead of, like, technical skills or something.
I, too, have noticed a tendency—especially among people with technical jobs—to distance themselves from the notion of people skills. I find this tendency to be offputting when it comes from a place of arrogance. You know, the attitude that “my work is good, it speaks for itself, it’s not my job to ‘market’ it using flattery and emotional appeals.” This kind of language uses an air of sophisticated purism—I’m all about the code, no bullshit—to mask what is in fact laziness (I only want to do the fun part) contempt for one’s teammates (why won’t someone do the boring part for me?).
A team dynamic in which everyone only does their one “official” job 100% of the time is a sucky team dynamic—there is no human flexibility or burden sharing. You are not required to love your job more than your family or free time, but we live in a society and I think you have some obligation not to impose your misery on your colleagues. As my friend put it, “Being nice is not optional.”
And yet … I also find myself agreeing with those who look at all the politesse and politicking common in the corporate environment and find it quite tedious and unproductive. I spend about 95% of every workday moderating my speech, trying to make sure nothing I say could be perceived as “calling out” leadership on a bad decision or rocking the boat. But the truth is that this strategy often backfires: The more I perform “nice convexer” and try to be agreeable, the more people start to question my judgment on things that I am objectively the most nowledgeable about it. So, sometimes I have to perform “evil gremlin” instead, a sort of caricature of the stereotypical, socially inept nerd whose very lack of grace and tact testifies to the fact that he’s right and he knows it. Feelings may be hurt, but the project has to keep moving forward, or else the misery level will only increase; we can all see this.
So, hence the question mark in the title. If “people skills” means “being nice” then obviously, people skills aren’t optional, but if “people skills” means “being unconditionally nice” then the bare facts are that lots of people who really excel at their jobs do so by, on occasion, being an asshole. Indeed, if we zoom up to the executive level, it’s known that in the major leagues, you find a disproportionate number of people with narcissism and sociopathy. I would hate working for or with someone like that, but it is hard to look at someone bringing in boatloads of for the company and demand that they work on “people skills.”
Ultimately, IMO, the fact that you have to make peace with is that you coworkers are not your family, friends, or wedding party; you might have a few coworkers here and there whom you get along with like that, but if your approach to the workplace environment is “How can I make these people like me?” then you have gone too far. The correct strategy is a bit closer to “How can I make my boss happy without actively destroying my soul in the process?” Or, if you really just want to get promoted, forget the “without …” part.