2025-03-30: Untitled

Woke up today with typical levels of despair (high). Slept an extra three hours; it did nothing to help. Realized I would have to get through this the hard way. Read for a few hours at the cafe across the street (just opened), then went for a run which became a walk which became a run again. Text messages to a friend:

yeah i went for a run and then kinda walked at the end of the run down to DATA_EXPUNGED

actually there is a very beautiful park i found there called DATA_EXPUNGED or something where lots of happy families were playing fetch with stereotypical dogs

unfortunately i have new sunglasses that DATA_EXPUNGED that have endowed the cursed ability to See Through the Bullshit and it was difficult to view their joy without cynicism

but i comforted myself by imagining that perhaps they are just as scared and desperate as the rest of us and the dog is simply a gen X version of the cellphone, if you can picture that.

did you hear the one about how people who were 25 in 2000 are 50 now? that’s like, second or even third marriage age.

I stopped getting read receipts at about the third message, which, OK, fair enough.

I have always struggled with nice weather and happy families. Both remind me of when my parents divorced. And these picket-fence families feel me with additional resentment the closer I get to their age: how are they so blissful and functional in the face of all the Problems and Strife in the world, all the shit that keeps me up at night?

I find it hard to take people seriously who say they are “worried about the future” and then have a car, a mortgage, two kids. Those are not financial decisions you would make if you were really worried. I’m sorry—I take it back. Everyone struggles in their own way.

I’m going back to therapy tomorrow, might need to reestablish a regular thing. World is a bit of a fuck.