: Internal locus of control
Was talking with a new friend/colleague about strategies for dealing with our male-dominated work environment and we arrived at the insight that those who manage to thrive despite the adversity do so by adopting an internal locus of control.
This is a bold statement, because when you are sitting in a room with a bunch of sexist men who are ignoring you or rolling their eyes, the easiest way to resolve the feeling of frustration and insecurity is to get a “reality check” from someone else in the room who can reassure you that the problem wasn’t you, it was them, those sexist and narrowminded men. And this is an important thing to do, to get validation, but it’s crucial that you don’t stop there, or else you are creating a feedback loop where every time you face adversity, you need to find someone who can reassure you that you are not the problem.
The bold, follow-up step you then have to take is to say: OK, I know this bad situation is not my fault, that it is the product of these men’s sexism and repressed insecurities and so on—but nonetheless, I have some agency here. I can be a little more assertive, or conspire with an ally to have them back me up on my ideas, or if the situation is truly insufferable, I can take some steps to leave or distance myself.
Adopting an internal locus of control in this manner does not mean you are forgiving or excusing the antagonist. It just means that for your own sanity, you are choosing to mold your actions and feelings about them around the things that are in your control.